sydney.

waiting and expecting

"if i cannot catch 'the sound of noise of rain' long before the rain falls, and, going to some hilltop of the spirit, as near to my God as i can, have not faith to wait there with my face between my knees, though six times or sixty times i am told 'there is nothing,' till at last 'there arises a little cloud out of the sea,' then i know nothing of calvary love." amy carmichael

"and elijah said to ahab, 'go up, eat and drink, for there is a sound of the rushing of rain.' so ahab went up to eat and to drink. and elijah went up to the top of mount carmel. and he bowed himself down on the earth and put his face between his knees. and he said to his servant, 'go up now, look toward the sea.' and he went up and looked and said, 'there is nothing.' and he said, 'go again,' seven times. and at the seventh time he said, 'behold, a little cloud like a man's hand is rising from the sea.' and he said, 'go up, say to ahab, prepare your chariot and go down, lest the rain stop you.' and in a little while the heavens grew black with clouds and wind, and there was a great rain. and ahab rode and went to jezreel. and the hand of the Lord was with elijah, and he gathered up his garment and ran before ahab to the entrance of jezreel." 1 kings 18:41-46

into the light

blackbird

the beatles

blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to arise.

black bird singing in the dead of night
take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free.

blackbird fly, blackbird fly
into the light of the dark black night.

blackbird fly, blackbird fly
into the light of the dark black night.

blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to arise,
you were only waiting for this moment to arise,
you were only waiting for this moment to arise.

my cup overfloweth

"father, i desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where i am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world." john 17:24

tonight at a prayer gathering, the Spirit was generous in truth and speaking through brothers there. God does desire us. we often try to stir up desire to be in the presence of God, but as mitchell said, we don't want to spend time with someone who we think doesn't desire us or want to spend time with us. that is our skewed perception of God. that he is quick to point out the areas we don't measure up, and until we do, we have no place with him. while without Christ, that is true, we have no right to be near a holy God, in Christ we have a pardon and access to the the most holy place. the veil was torn.

"for you have not come to what may be touched, a blazing fire and darkness and gloom and a tempest and the sound of a trumpet and a voice whose words made the hearers beg that no further messages be spoken to them. for they could not endure the order that was given, 'if even a beast touches the mountain, it shall be stoned.' indeed, so terrifying was the sight taht moses said, 'i tremble with fear.' but you have come to mount zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly jerusalem, and to innumerable angels in festal gathering, and to the assembly (or church) of the firstborn who are enrolled in heaven, and to God, the judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of abel." hebrews 12:18-24

continuing...

"see that you do not refuse him who is speaking." vs. 25

and later on...

"therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire." vs. 28-29

our response to his invitation to delight in him, and knowing we have full access or confidence, is to listen to his voice, obey, and worship. if the shepherd came to find you, the one lost sheep, you would recognize and rejoice in his voice, knowing safety is in him, and then obey as he leads you to the flock and to that safety.

a.w. tozer said it this way:

"if we are alert enough to hear God's voice we must not content ourselves with merely 'believing' it...commands are to be obeyed, and until we have obeyed them we have done exactly nothing at all about them. and to have heard them and not obeyed them is infinitely worse than to never to have heard them at all."

this is a call to obedience and settling for nothing less as your response to conviction. last summer while i was in china, my team and i battled for community and loving one another. we all wanted it, but i know as for me, i had a hardened heart and was in rebellion. the Spirit would whisper to me little ways to love them, but i ignored. i justified and created reasons not to do these actions of love. those who are not faithful in the small, cannot be trusted with the big. in rejecting the Spirits call, i suppressed and created an hostile environment for him.

this is not to say that we should seek obedience solely and above all, because we lean towards the law and not grace. but when consumed in the Spirit, obedience seems to come so much easier. when delighting in our Lord, obedience comes so much easier. and when it is not easy, that is when we must search our hearts and expose self in them. what i am is saying is, delight solely in him and obedience go hand in hand. you cannot really have one without the other.

"they were so engrossed with gazing upon the face of God that they spent scarce a moment looking themselves. they were suspended in that sweet paradox of spiritual awareness where they know that they were clean through the blood of the Lamb and yet felt that they deserved only death and hell as their just reward." a.w. tozer

Let Him Ask: Dealing With Doubt

"And so seated next to Father in the train compartment, I suddenly asked, 'Father, what is a sexsin?' He turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor. 'Will you carry if off the train, Corrie?' he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning. 'It's too heavy,' I said. 'Yes,' he said. 'And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.' And I was satisfied. More than satisfied--wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions--for now I was content to leave them in my father's keeping."--Corrie Ten Boom, The Hiding Place

There will be times when we ask for an answer to something, and all we hear is silence. Instead of waiting in despair, we can know that there is an answer and look to the promise that in God's good an perfect time (and when we can bear it), we will receive that answer. It does not mean that our minds sit idly. We still seek patiently, but we have faith that it will turn out. If anything, an idle mind is a result of a lack of faith. Instead, our minds labor, knowing our hunger will be replaced with plenty.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that man must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."James 1:5-8

Last year I fell on very despondent times, and it was no coincidence that this was a time of questioning for me. This was not the first time that I had seriously questioned my faith, because my senior year of high school I went through a pivotal time of doubt. I knew from experience that doubt does not mean walking away from the faith, but I still had questions that needed answers.

Before we go any further, we should define doubt. Doubt is to feel uncertain about something. There can be two purposes for one to doubt, to question or to disbelieve. Questioning can certainly lead to seeking after unbelief, but does not have to. If one's objective is to prove something to be false, and questions in order to find support for this, one will very easily find himself in a state of chaos. If, however, one is simply inquiring for the mere purpose of unbiased knowledge, he will not find himself drowning in uncertainty and seeking unbelief. His mind will be clear, not anxious. Tim Keller, the pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian, writes on doubt and says:

"People who blithely go through life too busy or indifferent to ask hard questions about why they believe as they do will find themselves defenseless against either the experience of tragedy or the probing questions of a smart skeptic. A person's faith can collapse almost overnight if she has failed over the years to listen patiently to her own doubts, which should only be discarded after long reflection. Believers should acknowledge and wrestle with doubts--not only their own but their friends' and neighbors'. It is no longer sufficient to hold beliefs just because you inherited them. Only if you struggle long and hard with objections to your faith will you be able to provide grounds for your beliefs to skeptics, including yourself, that are plausible rather than ridiculous or offensive (The Reason for God)."

Keller calls us to wrestle with our doubts until we can give an answer for what we believe(1 Peter 3:15). How can this be if there are clear commands in the Bible to not doubt? This is where the motivation comes in. If one is simply inquiring to answer a question, then he seems quite innocent. If he is setting out to prove his beliefs wrong, then this is where it becomes dangerous. Keller references the story of Thomas after Christ' resurrection for those who have reached an unstable place. Thomas said he would not believe that Christ had risen until he saw it for himself, and when Christ appeared to him, had mercy and gave blessing to Thomas despite is absence of faith. He not only commanded, "Do not disbelieve, but believe," but he also gave him further proof of his death and resurrection, another illustration of grace.

"For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent?" Matthew 7:8-10

"I should not wonder if he would cause two seas to meet around your barque, so that there should not be more than a few boards and broken pieces of the ship left to you, but oh! If you have faith in Christ, he will certainly bring you safe to shore. It is not at all an uncommon thing for the Lord to add to the inward scourgings of conscience the outward lashings of affliction. These double scourgings are meant for proud, stubborn hearts that they may be humbly brought to Jesus' feet, for of us it may be said, in truth, as Solomon saith of the child, 'Foolishness is bound in his heart; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.' God is thus, dear hearer, bringing folly out of you by the smarts of his rod. It is written, 'The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil,' and therefore the Lord is making your wounds to be black and blue, and I should not wonder if he will even let them putrefy, till you have to say with Isaiah, 'From the sole of the foot even unto the head there is no soundness in it; but wounds, and bruises, and putrifying sores.' Then it is that eternal mercy will take advantage of your dire extremity, and your deep distress shall bring you to Christ who never would have been brought by any other means. To close this somewhat painful picture. Many lack wisdom because in addition to all their fears and their ignorance, they are fiercely attacked by Satan. John Bunyan tells us of Apollyon, that he said, 'No king will willingly lose his subjects.' Of course, he will not; and Apollyon, as he sees his subjects one after another desert him to enlist under the banner of King Jesus, howls at his losses, and he leaves no stone unturned to keep souls back from mercy. Just at that critical moment himself, 'It is now or never. If I do not nip these buds, they will become flowers and fruits; but if I can bring in a withering frost, I shall kill the young plant.' The great enemy makes a dead set at anxious souls."--Charles Spurgeon

Sometimes pride and foolishness can lead us to a path of sinful doubting, but as I can attest, doubt is at times a trial. Not the sinful doubt I mentioned before, but the period of uncertainty. Questions used to devastate, and I used to entertain doubt rather than seek truth. It was not until I looked to the cause of the questions, and realized that I had done nothing to bring this on myself could I see the purpose behind them. God spoke through a friend when she told me that the very things I am questioning are only preparing me for my future calling, and the result of this trial will be stability. The enemy can easily paralyze, but in any case, we must recognize our doubt for what it is, whether it be testing, a trial, or sin. We must then deal with it accordingly.